Sail with the Phase

“Only when your consciousness is totally focused on the  moment you are in, can you receive whatever gift, lesson, or delight that moment has to offer.” Barbara De Angelis

A life is full of many moments. Some I love, some I tend to resent. I remember when my children were young. Somedays would be more taxing than others. Often during those times a friend would say, ‘they are going through a phase, they will move into another soon.’

I gave that a lot of thought. If I hurried them through every phase, the end result would be to rush their lives. Lives are so short anyway. Why would I rush a life away?

Today, my children are adults. My parents have passed away. Illness and disease have come and gone. And I have asked myself again-would I wish away any of these phases of suffering?

My answer is, no. All the moments have made me who I am today. The good and delightful, and the sad and sorrowful. They comprise me.

Phases do come and go. Some are short, and some seem as though they will never pass. My goal is to keep moving through the phases. Embrace what I can and try not to get stuck in any one place.

“To reach a port, we must sail – sail, not tie at anchor, sail not drift.” Franklin D. Roosevelt


Still Small Voice

“The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.” Neil Gaiman

Your ‘voice’. It sounds so simple, yet it can be so hard to discern what it is saying. I can usually hear my voice when I speak out loud. I recognize that as myself.

My trouble comes with that ‘still small voice within me’. Why does it whisper? Sometimes I swear it must be speaking in another language. “Speak up!” I yell. “Be clearer!” I complain.

I go to a quiet place. It does not get louder.

I go to a busy place. It does not get clearer.

How do we hear that mysterious ‘still small voice’? Who is that still small voice? Is it me, my soul? Is it a companion spirit from the spirit world attempting to guide me? Is it my own desires that try to influence my choices?

I am unsure. I am uncomfortable with unknowns. I like to have my ducks in a row and facts at my fingertips. But when my ‘still small voice’ begins to chatter, I do try and listen.

Carl Jung says, “Deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.”

Sigmund Freud says, “The voice of the intellect is a soft one, but it does not rest until it has gained a hearing.”

I hear the chatter. I feel the soul vibrations. I sense I am to heed the words. My spirit is seeking. I am trying to tune the channel to ‘still small voice’ specials. Perhaps the secret is to slow down. Walk slower. Be more aware. That will be my goal for today. Today will lead to tomorrow. I trust after many tomorrows, I can incorporate the habit of slowing down, to listen to myself, and to enjoy the dialogue.

Rose in the Garden

Rose in the Garden


“Tod, that Copper is going to come back a hunting dog, a real killer.”

“Oh no, not my friend Copper. He won’t ever change…And we will keep on being friends forever.”

“Darling, forever is a long, long, time, and time has a way of changing things.”

Exchange between Big Mama and Young Tod in “The Fox and the Hound”

I took my young son to see that Disney movie. He had a very best friend at the time. He felt they would be friends forever. Not many months after we watched the movie, we moved. They have not spoken to each other since. 

What makes a friend? Shared experiences? Perhaps when people lived in the same neighborhood there was more of a phenomenon of life-long friends. But people are very transient today. Our own family is split from the west coast of California to the east coast of New York. I have had numerous ‘best friends’ over the years. At the time we lived close to each other, shared the same lifestyle, and enjoyed our time together. Over the years I have moved to from coast to coast. I have friends in many cities. I could stop by and have a drink-catch up for a while. But I do not talk to them very often. Can I call them best friends?

I do have one life-long friend. My twin sister. We have lived miles apart, and we have lived close together. During the worst days of my life-she was there. She believed I would make it through. During the worst days of her life-I was there. I encouraged her that she would make it through.

When I read what Leo Buscaglia said, “A single rose can be my garden…a single friend, my world.”, I think of my twin and how she has sweetened the fragrance of my life.

Dancing Shoes

Odd that such a forbidden object would now be connected to me. When I call my friend, she hears, “Dancing Queen” swaying from her cell phone. How was I kept from dancing for so long?

My church forbid it. If you danced, you were sinful. You had to make a choice of dancing at your daughter’s wedding, or continuing to serve as a deacon in your church.

I was a dancing closet queen. I felt an inner thrill as I watched the dancers in old musicals. Their dresses swirling and their partners leading them across the floor. Alone in my room I would move to the music. In fact, I found it impossible to hold still. One day, I woke up, and I realized that I had been told a lie. Dancing was not sinful. Dancing was a part of life.

Children seem to have natural rhythm. Who takes that away?  What a terrible shame. I found dancing to be meditative. When I hear music and start to move in harmony with it’s melody, I forget my troubles. I forget the frustrations of the day. Hours can go by and I am still on the dance floor.

My regret is that I learned to dance so late. My body can only dance so long. Fortunately, my soul does not tire. Dancing is how I get through life.

Barbera de Angeles said, “The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.”


Goddess Within


Waiting for the Wake Up Call

Waiting for the Wake Up Call

“The only thing that is constant is change.” Heraclitus of Ephesus

Yet, the fear of change immobilizes people. I was a part of a very conservative, fundamental, Bible believing group of people for 30 years. The only change they promoted was to continually get closer to God-read more of the Bible, pray more, witness to others more, give more than your tithe,  and attend more and more church supported activities. They kept their children in church supported schools and encouraged their young adults to attend Bible college.

Little discussion occurred outside of their teachings. Science, math, philosophy or history were seldom examined.

When my children were in public school, I decided to attend a local university. I was amazed at the plethora of thoughts, ideas, cultures and religious practices-or of the absence of religious harangue. When I began my career, I became a colleague with people from India, Israel, Iran, Syria, Romania, China, and Turkey. Our lunch breaks were filled with discussion on each other’s countries, cultures, traditions and faiths. I had never been exposed to such open discussion.

Over the course of time, the varnish that the church had layered on my soul began to crack. I began to question old ‘truths’. I wondered about the validity of the doctrines I had been taught. I eventually had to admit that I was out of harmony with those teachings. Leaving the church was not a simple act, as my husband was a minister, and hundreds of people expected me to ‘stay the same’.

Yet, as Thomas Paine said, “The mind, once enlightened, cannot again become dark.”  Enlightenment drastically changed my life. It cost me my marriage. It cost me my ‘friends’. But it awakened a goddess within me.

The photo at the start of my blog represents to me the inner person- who is beautiful. She is magical. She was waiting for me to awaken. Now life is filled with wonder, adventure and exploration.  She is my muse. She was with me all the time waiting for me to notice her and to join her in a new world that is filled with opportunities for change.